Spark Naturals and why I am SO Excited to be an Affiliate.

So if you read me regularly you know that i live on the crunchier end of the spectrum. I make my own skin products, my own household cleaners, and i turn to essential oils for most of my day to day needs. You may also know that i am a diagnosed sufferer of chronic depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. I have tried several medications to alleviate the symptoms that come with them, with mixed results, and have always felt that while they helped moderately, it wasn't the change i was hoping for. So about 6 months ago, i went searching for something to boost what i was already doing, and through the help of a friend, i found my way to essential oils, and Spark Naturals. I use their Zen, Bliss, and Dream blends on a daily basis and the change has been drastic. I am handling stress better, no longer dissolving into tears at the drop of a hat, and i am sleeping so much better than i can ever remember sleeping before in my life. I also use a blend of my own devising in the morning for a nice, natural pick me up so that i am not so reliant on caffeine as soon as i wake up; 3 drops of tangerine, 2 of lemon, and 2 of peppermint in the diffuser goes a long way toward starting the day off right.

I am a firm believer in sharing the things that make your life better. I love to learn, and i love to pass on the knowledge that i gain, so the decision to apply to be an affiliate for spark was a natural and exciting one for me. Even it helps just one person in my life, then it will have been a venture well made. Every week i will be making at least one post about what we are doing with essential oils, and our spark products around the house, as well as natural skin care recipes, and i hope that something jumps out at you and makes your daily life a little happier, and a little healthier. If you have any questions about Spark Naturals, their products, or essential oils, sound off in the comments, and as always, if you feel inclined to make a purchase, using the code "ashleydehaven" at checkout will save you 10% off of your entire order!

Who I Am: IN SONG!!

Everyone, i think, has that one thing that makes them feel alive, and sets their soul on fire. That one little thing that speaks directly to their soul in a way that no one, or nothing else ever could. For some people maybe it's running, or martial arts, for some it's religion. For me, it is, and always has been music. I don't remember learning to talk (though i am told i did that very early), but i remember with crystal clarity learning to love singing. For as long as i can remember, when the world was beating away at my resolve, i turned to my CD player, then later my iPod, to take me away from the world and remind me of who i am. Music, to me is the single most significant component of mankind. Every civilization, every race, and creed, every religion, and every era of human history has turned to music to express themselves. It's a single unifying truth of our species. It's what sets us apart, and what binds us together. It is the heartbeat of existence and the life force in our collective experience as a species. Every single person since the dawn of time, every single one, has turned to music. For entertainment, for catharsis, for prayer, for motivation. On the stages of ancient Greece, in the throne halls of ancient Egypt, on the fields of battle, men, women, and children have turned to song.

So here is who i am. The songs that move me. The songs that made me.

This is the very first song i can remember, having memorized. My mom had this Greatest Hits tape of Billy Joel songs, that we listened pretty much on loop for years in her old Daytona. That tape, i hold personally responsible for a lifelong obsession with music. While on the topic of Billy Joel..

I can't hear this song and not immediately start bursting with excitement. It's darn near impossible for me to burst into song when it comes on, even to this day. Same goes for:

I think a person's taste in music really ends up shaping who they become as a person, so i think it's reasonable to say that this tape being the first music i can really remember being exposed to went a long way toward assembling the person in front of you right now. A little attitude, a lot of passion, and whole lotta love.

But for now we'll take a break from Billy, and move onto *drum roll*

Oh yes, cheesey and fantastic, i don't think there was a single Halloween party at my Aunt's that didn't include this song, and some questionable dance prowess.

Yet another Halloween party staple. As you can see, my family is a special breed of awesome.

We are also a Nautical breed. See, my grandparents were crabbers, they were fisherman, on both coasts the worked the seas for a living. Then later my uncle (and every October my dad joins him for the crab open), and my aunt, and now my gorgeous cousin. All making a living on the ocean. I got to spend a lot of my childhood on and in, and constantly near the water. This is probably why living inland away from any coast, has me ripping my hair out. But i digress, moving on..

So this is where we delve into my preteen obsessions, and while most people mock these prepubescent infatuations, i celebrate them. Are these achievements of song? No. But, for a period of my life, they WERE my life. I still remember holding "concerts" in front of our family, with 3 of my cousins, pretending we were the Spice Girls (I was Ginger Spice, thank you very much).

Even as a tweener (especially as a tweener) i was a total cheese ball, completely obsessed with the idea of love, convinced that it was the solution to all of life's misery. Turns out, idealistic as it sounds, it has proved to ring truer than any other idea i have ever had about the world. Love is everything to me. Love for my husband, my son, my family. It's this deep, unshakable love that keeps me going.

So. Much. Cheese. Isn't it fantastic? This is still one of my favorite songs.

Full disclosure: I had NO CLUE what this song meant when it first came out, but i was obsessed with it nonetheless. Admittedly, i still can't help but sing-a-long if it comes on in the car. Though i don't condone the message haha. 

Ah yes, to the teen years, and my brief hip hop obsession. Whatever happened to Ashanti anyways? I know she did a stint on Army Wives, but i mean, music wise? Girl has a voice.

There was pretty much no way Eminem wasn't making this list. I may not look the "type" what with my mom clothes, and slightly Rock-ish look i often entertain. But Eminem has been a long term love of mine. So no worries Mr. Mather's we'll see you on this list again.

Alright, at this point in the musical timeline, i am about 13, and i think this was around the time depression started to take root. I wouldn't be diagnosed for another decade, but thinking back on everything i think this is around where it started. I cut my hair off, i dyed it black, and i alienated myself from friends and family. As with everything else in my life my musical tastes went with it. Now, full disclosure here, i still dye my hair (as often as possible) and i still enjoy this style of music, and dress. But i am healthier now, and don't listen these songs like they are anthems of my existence anymore.

Kind of your typical angsty teenager, with a side of goth, and a whole heaping plateful of make up expertise.

But there was hope too. See, the year this song came out, was also the year i had ever known someone who had tried to kill themselves. She was my best friend at the time, and all of a sudden life and it's meaning took on this whole new picture in my mind. I watched as her mother fell apart, not knowing how to cope with the reality of her daughters issues, and i watched her sister pull away from them both after she was the one that had found her. All of the times i had sat there thinking life wasn't worth living snapped into crystal clear focus and it dawned on me why every person owes it to themselves, and each other to keep pushing forward. To get help, and to never give up. If you are in crisis, and contemplating taking your life, i implore you, i am begging you, please talk to someone.If there is no one in your life you feel you can trust, then call 1-800-273-8255, this is the national suicide prevention hotline, and on the other end are caring wonderful people who are just there to talk to you. Please always know that it does get better. There is more to life than the pain you are in right now, and there are people in the world, myself included that are pulling for you. We're in your corner, and we want things to get better for you.

We are going to gloss over the rest of high school mostly because this has already far exceeded the length of what is appropriate for a single blog post, but also because, high school was a terrible time for me. But right about the end of my time there, my music obsession found a new home in musicals. RENT, Phantom of the Opera, Chicago, Hairspray.. These are movies i could watch over an over again, and in their own ways they are each a little bit responsible for who i am.

Time is finite for us. No one will live forever. Therefore every moment we are alive is important. The way we live, the lives we touch, and the way we are remembered are all parts of our legacy. That little piece of ourselves that we get to leave behind, that tells the world "I was here, and i was fantastic".



Be. Confident..

Sort of a yin yang message here, in everything beautiful there is darkness, and in all darkness can be found beauty. Never judge on appearances alone.

Alright this one is a couple years out of order chronologically BUT the musical is much older than the musical, and the stage musical was my first experience with this song, so there ya go. It was so well executed in this scene that i (at 8 months pregnant) burst into tears in the theater. This song is so powerful and so pervasive as time marches on, it's message doesn't wane. The power of the people to decide their own fate, is and always has been the single greatest power of mankind. When we work together we can move mountains.

I have struggled with weight my entire life. Genetically i sort of got the chubby end of the stick ya know? Well the older i got, the worse it got. Despite my best efforts i am overweight, and am now in the pre-op stage for bariatric surgery at 24 years of age. I have spent a lot of my life ashamed of how i look. So when Hairspray came out, and the star was someone who looked like me.. And she was gorgeous, and the movie wasn't about some big makeover to make her skinny and pretty, but was about how incredible and talented she was, it struck a major chord with me. Everyone, EVERYONE has something to bring to the table if they embrace their own beauty and potential. So, again, BE CONFIDENT. You're beautiful. 

Gah.. Every time. This gets me EVERY TIME.

As i am sure you can extrapolate from the knowledge you have gained today, i am a major music nerd. As such? Glee is pretty much my weekly religious experience. Lea Michelle is my homegirl is what i'm saying here haha.

Did i mention i was a choir kid myself? I wish i could post links to some of the songs we recorded during my last year in school. The 06'-07' Squalicum High School Choraliers were pretty freaking amazing, if i do say so myself. It wasn't the only choir i was ever in, but it was the best, and it was my favorite. We had an incredible instructor, who to this day, i consider one of the best teachers i have ever known.

  

My family can confirm, that i must have listened to this approximately 10,000 times in the weeks leading up to our wedding. When we have our vow renewal, i would pretty much worship the ground my friends walked on if i could convince them to do a bridal party entrance like this. *hint hint*

When Thoren was born, his daddy only got to be with us for about a day. When he was just over 24 hours old, Erich went back to where he was training, and there i was, with this little boy in my arms, and a month left until we would be with his dad again. I fed him, and as we cuddled in bed, i sang this song to him. This was the first moment we were alone, and the first real memory we shared. He fell asleep on my chest, and in that moment i knew that my life was never going to be the same, and i didn't want it to be.

This is my son's FAVORITE song. I sing it, roughly, 50 times a day.

This is his favorite song for Daddy to sing. My heart melts every time i watch these two cuddling, as Erich sings this to him. That is my bliss. My guys, peace, and beautiful music.

Okay, so i could really, really go on forever with this list. I haven't even touched on Disney songs yet, which will probably be it's own post. But here i am, in the basic, most "me" sense. This is what makes me tick.

Things That Keep Me Glued..

This month has been without a doubt, or any exaggeration, complete and total horse crap. (I know, "How lady like", well listen pal, if you want a delicate, soft, flower, go pick one. You're not gonna find that here.).

So what is a girl to do? The sky is falling, and it feels like the world is caving in around me. So what do i do?

Well first i look at this little ball of adorable and sweetness, and remind myself that i made that. He is mine and i am his, and no matter what i will get through this, for him.

 

Photo by Jess Gougeon Photography

Then i put this song on, and i BELT it out until i feel human again: (if you're good, maybe i'll post a video next week? We'll see if my ego can take it haha).

Then i add the Zen and Bliss blends to my Zaq Dew Diffuser, and let the smells of home take me away from a while, and calm me down. This combination has helped my anxiety problems better than any medication i have ever been prescribed. Not that i don't still need my meds in emergencies, i do, but this has helped me SO much, and since i started using them daily the frequency of needing those meds has reduced A LOT.

Then i remind myself that no matter what, i have an amazing partner in life, and that no matter what happens, he and i have conquered so much together already. We can take the world if we need to. If i have faith in nothing else, it's this, that with this man next to me, there is nothing i can't accomplish.

Photo by Jess Gougeon Photography

A Little of This, a Little of That.

You know those Pinterest mom's everyone loves to hate? The ones that make soap, and design killer parties, and somehow have it all together, all the time? I'm not that mom. I'm so NOT that person. What i am though, i guess i would call is multifaceted. I have a certain natural knack for most things creative. I know, i know, SO modest right? But hear me out.

This is an abstract of the "Heart" nebula seen here. This was accomplished during naptime

I have been singing, approximately, since i could speak. I draw, i paint, i sculpt, i knit, i write, and i am an award winning photographer, and that's in my spare time. I also make skin care products, am a bitchin cook (who plans on opening a restaurant before she's 35), and in general if you give me a few hours, some alone time, and House (or Say Yes to the Dress) in the background, you're going to come back to something colorful and vibrant, and the house is probably going to smell great.

This photo was the first that ever won me an award. I was 19, and since then several hundred copies have been sold. Copyright protected. 

 This isn't to say i'm Susie Homemaker. My house is a mess for starters. But really, here is the problem. When you are at least moderately skilled in everything you're interested in, it is hard to stay interested for very long. 

Today's naptime project.

Of course i am always practicing, learning, getting better, but when there's no challenge? When a concept isn't mysterious or difficult anymore, i really just lose interest. So i cycle through hobbies, at the rate that most people cycle through shows to binge watch on Netfllix. Every couple weeks i have gotten bored again with whatever was keeping me focused and i switch interests again. This week, i am painting, and knitting, i guess in an effort to draw out the period before change happens again. In two days i have finished two paintings, and am half way done with making my son a knit Mjolnir toy, complete with his name in runes sewn into the side of the head of the hammer.

I do this all in my spare time. The time between raising my son, moving, dealing with the house, and the Army, and making sure my husband and son eat something resembling food at least 3 times daily. 

Yesterday's naptime project.

In short it's exhausting, but if i'm not busy, i am going stir crazy and this is sort of my own personal form of therapy. If i am busy, doing something creative, i can only devote, say, a quarter of my brain power to stressing about moving, finances, medical concerns, and Thoren's therapy, as opposed to the 100% of it, it can occupy when i have nothing else to zone in on and keep my busy. So our house is full of paintings that i have no where to put, dozens of knitted scarves, blankets, and wrist warmers. I have a shelf full of skin balms, and a box somewhere full of celtic knotted leather jewelry. Eventually i'll need a storage unit to deal with it all, but the alternative is total exasperation. So here we are. On the upside, we will never lack for things to put on our walls

Carry On

So today i have FUN's song Carry On stuck in my head, and it just feels so appropriate. The perfect anthem to a new chapter in our lives, and an exciting, albeit terrifying new journey for us. As you all know, i have been sick for quite a while, and now that we know why, it has become abundantly clear to all concerned parties, that our family needs more support and resources than we have available to us in our current situation. So after almost a year of doctors appointments, struggles, stress, and heart ache, the fight is over. My husband is being honorably discharged from the Army, due to our personal circumstances, and we are relocating to Idaho to be with family.

It's the odd combination of feelings.

Relief that we don't have to fight anymore, that my family and i will be somewhere close to an abundance of family. Fear of the unknown, and of leaving relative financial security (the pay isn't great, but it's reliable and we have always made it work). Uncertainty of this new area we are going to, that none of us have ever lived, but excitement for the same reason.

It's confusing.

At the end of the day we are happy, we are anxious to load a truck up and leave, and never set foot in Killeen, or Fort Hood Texas ever again. I am overjoyed to be getting away from the Texas healthcare system, and the bureaucracy that makes it function in such a way that it serves everyone BUT the patient first. I am excited to be able to work on scheduling my surgeries and starting a brand new journey toward health and happiness. To get established with a doctor, neurologist, cardiologist, psychiatrist and surgeons that i trust, and can actually rely on as valuable resources.

I am happy, and i am terrified, but i am ready. We are ready. I know we need this, and so, i know we will make it work. It's time.

I will always be grateful for the experiences the Army has provided us, the impeccable training my husband was fortunate enough to receive, the many places we got to visit, and the absolutely incredible people we have met along the way that i truly feel will be a part of us for the rest of our lives. It's been stressful, taxing, at times heart breaking, and completely amazing, and it will affect us forever. I am so proud of my husband, not just for the commitment he made to this country, but also the commitment he made to his family. In the end it was our commitment to the 3 of us that made this decision clear, and we are fortunate enough that caring NCOs helped us get to the place we are now, heading toward a significantly safer situation.

So really, today i am grateful.

And now i need to go pack. Have a great day guys. XOXO

Momma's got a business?!!

That's right folks! While i have yet to set a name to this awesome new venture of mine, i am VERY excited about it. I have recently started making and selling homemade lotions, lip balms, and salves with completely natural organic, and pure unrefined ingredients. Things like virgin coconut oil, pure organic shea butter, beeswax, olive oil, and essential oils. They are so skin happy, and i am just in love with doing this. I have a few products for sale right now, and the breakdown goes like this:

Pure body butter (not containing essential oils) - 4oz for $8, 8oz for $14
Lavender body butter (w/ lavender essential oil) - 4oz for $10, 8oz for $19
Peppermint lip balm (w/ peppermint essential oil) - 2oz for $5, 4pz for $8
Congestion relief cream (w/peppermint, eucalyptus, and lavender essential oils) - 4oz for $12, 8oz for $22
Muscle pain relief cream (w/ peppermint, clove, and lavender essential oils) - 4oz for $12, 8oz for $22

All prices not including shipping, deals made for multiple orders. The body butters, both, but especially the lavender make great diaper rash creams, or all over healing creams for mild to moderate skin irritations. If you are interested in buying, please email me at ashleydehaven@live.com with what you want, your shipping address if you're not local and your paypal information so that i can send you an invoice. Only accepting paypal at this time, unless you live locally.

I am so excited about this guys, like.. Obnoxiously excited. It is so nice to be contributing to our income in a meaningful way again. I hope you are all having a fabulous day, and i hope to hear from some of you :)

A year in retrospect.

So, it has been a year since my very first Mother's Day, where i was the one being celebrated, and here is what i have learned. Being Mom is hard. Terrifying even. The fate of a person's entire life rests on how well you accomplish this job. Who a person becomes, how they relate to people, that's on you (barring certain medical conditions of course). It is pressure, and it is ultimate responsibility, because if you fuck it up, this tiny person that you love from the very deepest pits of your soul, will be the one that suffers. This is the thing that consumes my mind most days. That i'm not doing it right.

I love my son in a way that leaves me speechless sometimes. The little boy in the next room, curled up, peacefully sleeping with his blanket, is, i firmly believe, what i was meant to do with my life. I am not a perfect Mother though. I lose my patience sometimes, i let him watch far too much TV, i can't drive, so we spend most of our time at home, unless Daddy is here. I love him, but i frequently feel like i fail him. Like our decision to have him when we did, did him a disservice because it robbed him of the social and emotional development that would have come with spending the first year and a half of his life surrounded by loving family, instead of just his Dad and I. It's just the three of us, and most of the time, it is really just the two of us, and the thing that keeps me up at night, is that i'm not sure it's enough.

I spend a lot of time scared now, scared for his future, for what may be.. So i guess what i have learned is that being Mom means no longer living for yourself. It means steeling yourself to the reality that what you are doing matters. Probably more than anything else. It matters because your actions aren't of localised consequence. If you're a terrible parent, you'll raise a broken person, and broken people tend to break others. So i have learned what kind of parent i plan to be. What i am willing to do, to give my son the life he deserves, and every advantage i can get him. I have learned that i willing to advocate, to stand my ground, and fight for him, more than i would ever fight for myself.
I have learned that to love a child is to put their needs so far above your own.

I have learned that there are things in this world that can truly, and in a way i never expected, break your heart into a million pieces, and because you're Mom, you paint on a smile, and you laugh, and play, and hug, and sing, through all of it, because that little boy needs his Mom to be there, to be strong, and resilient, so that he doesn't have to be. For him to thrive, he has to see me thrive, even if it is a partial facade.

I have learned what love is, what it means to me. What is worth dying for, and most importantly, what is worth living for.

My Favorite Crock Pot Recipes (Volume 1)

So every Sunday until the end of the summer, i will be sharing 2 awesome crock pot recipes. At the end of this post i will list a few possible recipes to share for the next week, and the two that get the most requests will be featured. Simple and sweet, and something fun to keep up with. We could live out of our crock pot, and it gets enough use that i even invest in those crock pot liners that sound like a joke, but i swear, make life SO much easier.

So for this week our recipes are baked pasta, and stuffed pork chops. Both are crazy yummy, and oh so easy.

Crock Pot Baked Pasta:
1 pound pasta
1 pound ground beef/turkey/kielbasa/Italian sausage/veggie option*
your favorite pasta sauce (about 32 ounces)
1 cup chopped bell pepper
1 cup sliced mushrooms
8 ounces ricotta
1.5 cups mozzarella
1 TBSP Italian seasoning
1 TBSP garlic

*This is awesome with zucchini, yellow squash, peppers,mushrooms etc, and i imagine eggplant.

First things first if you are making a homemade sauce start that first so that it has time to simmer together and develop a little flavor a half hour ahead of time should do since it will keep cooking in the crock pot. Then in a frying pan, cook your protein (skip this step if you are making this vegetarian), until cooked through and golden brown. Set aside. Chop your bell pepper, and mushroom, set aside. Next mix together the ricotta, 1 cup of the mozzarella, Italian seasoning, and garlic until combined and smooth, set aside. Now that you have all your elements, layer it up. Sauce on the bottom, then pasta, then half of the meat and veggies, then sauce, then pasta, then cheese mixture, then sauce, then pasta, then the rest of the meat, then sauce, then pasta, top with the remaining sauce covering well. You want all the layers to be very saucy because this is what is going to cook the pasta, so i know it will seem like too much at first, but that pasta will drink it all up, i promise. Set your crock pot to lo for about 5 hours, or high for 4. When it is done, cover with remaining mozzarella, turn off the crock pot, and let sit for about 10 minutes with the lid off while the cheese melts down. Serve and enjoy!


As for the stuffed pork chops

You'll need:
2 pork chops, butterflied and pounded
1 apple
1/2 onion
1 stalk celery
1.5 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup ricotta
1 cup bread crumbs (italian or corn bread)
salt, pepper, garlic, and paprika to taste
1 cup Mushrooms
3 TBSPs Butter
1 TBSP flour
.5 cup cream

Dice the apple, onion, and celery into small pieces and saute in a frying pan until tender, add ricotta and blend well, then add half of a cup of chicken broth, seasonings, and the bread crumbs, stirring well, cook on low until the crumbs have absorbed the broth and started to darken. Let cool for ten minutes or so. Pound out your butterflied chops until there are about half an in inch in thickness, season well. With some olive oil grease the bottom of your crock pot. On half the the pork chop load stuffing, you will probably be left with a little in the end, i usually refrigerate it and use it the next day in something. Fold there rest of the chop over the filling, so you have it folded in half around your stuffed. They will be thick, and a bit messy, but oh so worth it. Put in your crock pot, set it to low, and cook 6 to 8 hours.) When you are a half hour out, slice your mushrooms, and saute with one TBSP butter. Remove and set aside when browned. In that same pan, put in the other 2 TBSPs of butter, and sprinkle in 1 TBSP flour, whisking constantly for 2 minutes. Slowly add in the rest of the chicken broth, simmer for 5 minutes or until the consistency you want it, add cream, continue to simmer another 2 minutes, add seasoning, then add the mushrooms back in. Serve over your pork chops. Goes well with mashed potatoes, mashed cauliflower, whipped sweet potatoes, and green bean, corn, or broccoli casserole.

So this is it for this week. Up next week i can do, Crock Pot Chili, Crock Pot Lo Mein, Crock Pot Whole Citrus Chicken, or Crock Pot Breakfast Casserole. Vote for the two you want to see in the comments, and i'll be here same time next week. Happy cooking!

Momma's got a meal plan.

So, i don't know about you, but i like to know what is in store for me in the days to come, and if i don't plan out meals ahead of time, i tend toward falling victim to the take out monster because it's easy, and effortless. But it is also expensive as hell, and crappy for your body, even if you try get healthier options, the food you get out is almost always swimming in sodium, sugar, and fat. So with that in mind, i am recommitting to meal planning. This is a bit of a trick here in Texas, where the heat can be best described as "just this side of the Gate to Hell), so my oven is off limits until either october, or until we move, whichever comes sooner. So i get TONS of use out of my crock pot. Below is my meal plan for this pay period:

5/1 - Shopping and take out
5/2 - Crock pot Moroccan lamb stew over couscous (freeze leftovers)
5/3 - Crock pot baked pasta w/ kielbasa and veggies (leftovers for lunch the next day)
5/4 - Crock pot beef stew (freeze leftovers)
5/5 - Crock pot stuffed pork chops w/ mashed potatoes (no leftovers)
5/6 - Crock pot spanish chicken and rice (freeze leftovers)
5/7 - Crock pot meatloaf w/ mashed potatoes (leftovers for sandwiches)
5/8 - Homemade pizza 
5/9 - Crock pot citrus chicken w/ rice and veggies (no leftovers)
5/10 - Crock pot baked pasta w/ kielbasa and veggies (leftovers for lunch the next day)
5/11 - Reheat beef stew
5/12 - Crock pot chicken chili (freeze leftovers)
5/13 - Reheat lamb
5/14 - Take out

I already have most of what i need for all of this, our grocery bill which includes $40 for Thoren's pediasure should come out to just about $115 for the next two weeks, bearing in mind that 7 of these meals will stretch for 2 days. Pretty awesome huh? I buy our staples in bulk every couple months (pasta, rice, quinoa, chicken etc), and then really only have to get some produce, milk, eggs, and bread along the way. It's a system that i like, that works, and that i am actually pretty proud of when i stick to it.

For any of these recipes, leave a comment! I am thinking about doing a "Favorite Crock Pot Recipes" feature once a week, so let me know what you want to see. 

And the verdict is...

We still aren't sure, but two doctors have finally agreed on what they think it is. Seizures brought on by migraines. So next week i get an EEG which looks like this, and i get to wear that bad boy for 3, freaking, days. With any luck, that will tell the tale. If i am having seizures, this machine, will ideally catch an actual episode, but if it doesn't it should catch the waves responsible for them while i'm sleeping, so keep your fingers crossed, because i am so ready to have some answers once and for all. Short wiring brain, or not.

I also get to go see a Neural-Opthamologist next week, and get set up with a fancy pair of glasses that will regulate the light i am seeing because my light sensitivity is seriously impacting my life at this point.

I was given a new medication to try, but we are holding off until after the EEG, because it's a combination migraine, seizure medication, and we don't want it to interfere with the tests. So hopefully once i get to start taking that, the migraines will calm down unlike the last medication i was given that made them worse. Fun fact, we found out today that the medication i was given by my last neurologist is not indicated for migraines, and in fact, can increase headache severity, worsen depression, and mess with blood pressure. Fun huh?? This gives you an idea of the totally top notch medical care i've received. I guess i should just be glad he didn't prescribe something that could kill me. Nope, that was just the Cardiologist. But i digress.

No luck getting in with a Psychiatrist because as you would imagine near a military post, demand is high, and everyone is backed up at least six months. I can't start new antidepressants until i'm seen by one, so i am working medication free for the first time in over a year, and am so far, not impressed. I know there is this huge stigma about mental illness, and medications for them in this country. But honestly, if you have a problem, and you need help, you owe it to yourself to get seen, and get treated.

Anyways, this is me today. Battling the stomach flu for the 4th straight day, hoping i am having seizures just so that i finally know what is wrong with me, and we can go home and get better. 

What Undiagnosed Illness Looks Like.

So i guess it's time to talk about something real. The reason i am actually here, doing this.

About 8 months ago, i got, what i thought was the flu. I got dizzy, nauseous, i would collapse, and lost my appetite. When, a week later it was getting no better, only worse, i went to the doctor and we ran blood tests. Everything was normal. But it didn't stop. My eyes started hurting. I was sent to get my eyes check, got glasses, no improvement. I was sent to a neurologist who thought my headaches were from pain meds and started me on medication. No change. I started seeing black spots on my vision. Back to neurology, taken off those meds, tested for MS. Negative. My body stopped fighting the spread of an dental infection, and the infection stopped responding to antibiotics. The theory then became that my rampant infection was causing what is called referred pain and symptoms. I consented to having 21 of them removed, and accepted that at 23 i will have dentures for the rest of my life. No change. I saw a cardiologist, was sent home with a 24 hour heart monitor for 2 weeks, and had a Echocardiogram done. Detected nothing. So 8 months later, here i am, off all of my meds because me and my doctors agree that taking dangerous medication that isn't helping is worthless. Still no improvement. We have a new theory, and it is basically all that's left. Atypical Migraine Syndrome. Basically, imagine a migraine that has taken steroids and has a bad attitude. For some people the pressure and pain can paralyse muscles, or present like a stroke, for others it causes such severe pain that they can't function at all. It's a little different for everyone. What we think it is doing to me, is causing small, fast, and minor seizures. Basically, my brain can't accommodate the severe and constant pain, and in a defense mechanism, shuts my body down for a few seconds. Hence the collapsing, and loss of consciousness. It would explain the destroyer of world headaches, the nausea, the light sensitivity that makes a care ride unbearable, the dizziness, and weakness. It would explain everything. Now we just have to prove it.

In 8 months i have seen 2 doctors, 2 neurologists, a cardiologist, and countless ER doctors. We have tried 6 different medications. I have had 3 CT scans, an MRI, x-rays, and more blood tests than i can count. I have gained 40 pounds thanks to those medications, i've lost about half of my hair, most of my teeth, and my hands almost always shake now. I am 23. I am a mother, and a wife.

I am exhausted.

I am angry.

I see my neurologist again on Monday, where we will, i hope, find out that this horrible neurological condition is what is wrong with me, because i just want this to be over. I want to be treated. I want to be able to play with my son without worrying about falling. The last time i collapsed, i almost broke my wrist. Thank goodness Erich was here, because had it just been me and Thoren..

So i guess i am here because if i didn't unload somewhere, i would lose it at this point, and since there is a 6 month to a year wait for psychiatrists here, i am SOL on that front. But really, i am here, in the hopes that someday, someone who is sick but doesn't know why, will see this. That they will read these words, and know they aren't alone. That they matter. That their symptoms aren't in their head. That they aren't crazy. Undiagnosed illness is a thing, and it is terrifying. Even more so when everyone around you keeps telling you there is nothing there. You are not alone, and DO NOT let them ignore you. Trust your gut, because you are the only person who truly knows what is normal for you.

You are NOT alone. You have options. You have a right, and responsibility to fight for yourself. It is okay to be scared, it is normal to feel overwhelmed. But don't give up looking. Never give up searching for an answer, and a treatment. You are worth it.

You are not alone.

To Be, or Not to Be.

So here is the thing about being a parent. I know every article and book out there tells us that we need to fight to maintain who WE are, and what WE love, and we have to keep working on OUR goals after the little one is born. But that is a lot easier said than done. See, when Thoren was born, my priorities shifted, and for the last 15 months he has been the point from which my own personal universe orbits. He is the reason i wake up everyday (generally, literally), and what has kept me going through a very difficult year. Knowing that he needed this, or this needed to be done to ensure he was getting the proper nutrition, stimulation, or affection. That has kept me focused.

Now that he is getting a little more independent though, and might be spending more time in social situations without me -gulp- i have started thinking about school for myself again. About getting a degree before he starts grade school and start schooling him full time (we plan to send him to an educational preschool if we find one we like ages 3 and 4, then want to start homeschooling at 5 with kindergarten). I know what i want to study, and i know i "deserve" to pursue my interests. But i hate the idea of things that take time away from my family.

With Erich in the Army, we have spent a lot of time apart. He missed the last trimester of my high risk pregnancy, and the first month of our sons life, as i was recovering from an emergency C-Section. 4 months here, a couple weeks there, days, weekends, nights. It all adds up. To roughly a third of our marriage so far. Goodbyes suck, but waiting is the worst, and despite what they tell you, reunions aren't worth the waiting. So with that in mind, i think it is reasonable that i don't like the idea of willfully taking time away from them.. I like to think it won't scare me or bother me so much when he is out. I like to think that eventually the idea of doing something just for me won't make me feel guilty. But i really don't know anymore. The thing about being the "constant" is that responsibility becomes habit. You feel like it is your job to be the one at home, the one with the baby, the one who makes the house pretty, who makes it home. You get used to being the one that waits for him to come home, for your chance to relax, or your chance to follow your interests. You get comfortable with coming last for yourself.

This is NOT to say that this is how my husband sees it, he begs me to go do things for myself, and is more then willing to take the stay at home parent roll once he is out of the Army so that i can open the business i have been planning for years. He is so supportive, and i think would dance a jig if i signed up for classes. But there is something holding me back. Keeping me stagnant. I love our life together, i love my son, i LOVE being with him all the time, and i will never get enough time with Erich. So maybe it is comfort keeping me here. Maybe it's fear or guilt. I know eventually i need to take a leap, but i just can't tear myself away just yet.

Someday.

A little crunch.

In the 60's and 70's they were hippies, the 80's and 90's saw a bohemian revival, and here and now, the earth conscious are called "crunchy". I guess you could say i fit into that category. I don't use harsh chemicals, i used plant based cleaners, detergents, body products, hair products, and make up. I use essential oils to help me sleep, to tackle colds, and to ward off enemies of the insect variety. I even cloth diaper my little one (who doesn't love a truly fluffy butt?!!). I never really thought of myself in those terms though, i just always saw it as responsible. Plus, my skin is CRAZY sensitive, so yeah, girl's gotta be careful about what she touches, so NO chemicals for us.

But as time goes on, and i grow up, the better i feel about these choices, the happier they make me. They are simple little life changes, that add up. Like the whole "using essential oils to keep bugs away" thing for instance. Do you know what goes into mainstream pesticides? Nothing good. Instead, a little bit of peppermint and cinnamon oil spritzed around the windows and doors, and you accomplish the same thing, protect your family from harsh fumes, and keep that crap out of the air and atmosphere. For some awesome essential oils i use, and recommend Spark Naturals, they are high quality, fairly priced and get the job done. I use their dream blend religiously, and their respire blend saved me when i had the flu.

Cloth diapers.. I could (and probably will) write entire posts about how much cloth rocks the ever loving socks off of disposables. For one thing, name brand disposables take take forever and a day to biodegrade. They are made with harsh chemicals and treated with bleach of all things, dyes, and perfumes. They are awful for tender tooshies, and they pile up fast. The average infant goes through roughly 2,920 diapers in one years. My diaper stash is about 20 strong, enough for about 2 and a half days with normal consumption, i wash every day. My stash cost us $600. Want to know what a years worth of disposables will run you? On average in America, that number is $2,533.44. For one year. My 20 diapers will last until he potty trains. So aside from the occasional adorable print that i can't pass up, my diaper investment is done. AND? I will be able to use them for the next child. For those at home who don't want to do math. The typical age for kids to be potty trained is about 3 give or take depending on the kid, the average family has 2 kids. That is 6 years of diapering, add in lets say another $300 dollars in cloth costs for when they wear out, and i will have saved, wait for it, wait for it... Just around $14,300. I'll wait while you get your heart rate back under control..

....

You okay? Okay. This is not the cloth of our parents, and grandparents generation. We aren't talking safety pins, and complicated folding, though if that is what you prefer you can totally still do that. For more information on what modern cloth diapering looks like, i highly recommend checking out Kelly's Closet Cloth Diapering 101. It is very informative, and lays it all out in easy to understand language that makes cloth accessible to everyone. However if you are attached to disposable, or can't do cloth for allergy or logistic reasons Honest.com  has a line of diapers that biodegrades within a year, and is chemical free, and their prints are adorable. 7th Generation also has a good product that crunchy mamas swear by.

As for cleaning products, you really can't beat Honest.com. I use their bathroom cleaner, multi-surface cleaner, glass cleaner, hand soap, dish soap, and dishwasher detergent. Everything is plant based, smells divine, and is safe for a house crawling with kids or critters. I also use many of their body products, like their body wash, lotion, healing balm, lip balm, and body oil. Again, plant based, and they leave you feeling soft, not oily, and the smell.. My goodness, the smell. Mmmm..

So this is my crunchy, hippy, dippy, life. Doesn't seem so weird huh?

The World's Most Difficult Job.

So as i am sure you have seen, a video is making the rounds on the Internet today, of a series of fake interviews held by a company in Boston. The requirements for the job were extensive, and seemingly inhumane, things like "no breaks", "eating only after the associate has eaten", and on and on, the perspective employees growing more and more flabbergasted as the interview proceeds. Then at the end, to the surprise of no mother ever, it is revealed that the position they are referring to is that of "Mom". Que heart melting music, and the interviewees falling to pieces about their own Mommas. It's very sweet, if a little cheesy. If you would like to see it you can do so here. 

As a mom, yeah, i had a moment of sniffly pride, because being a full time mom IS all of that they described. It's long days with no breaks, it's missing meals, and sleep, and being expected to have all the answers. But what they didn't talk about, and what i feel is often neglected in this conversation is, "why?". Because it IS a choice. There is nothing that requires women to put their lives on hold (or men, there are plenty of completely kick ass full time wonder dads out there, and they deserve their moment too) and give all of themselves to another person. It's a choice, that is made over and over again, every single day. It's hard, it's sometimes thankless, and there will be times where you question the decision. There are those that have children, that never really earn the parent title, and there are natural parents without the benefit of kids. It is not for everyone, and there are plenty of differing schools of thought on the subject. A lot of it is chance and luck, but most of it is love. Blinding, all encompassing, earth shattering, love.

See because when i am up in the middle of the night with my toddler curled up on my chest because his teeth are killing him, and he needed his Mom to get comforted enough to finally sleep and get some relief, i don't feel cheated. They are some of the best nights I'll ever have. I hate when my little boy hurts, and i will always want to take that pain away, and for maybe the only period of his life, in some small way, i can. He will never need me as much as he needs me now, ever again. Every day he grows more independent, smarter, more curious, and it is a wonder to behold. To have been present for every single one of his firsts. To watch on with unfettered gratitude at having the privilege of doing so.

There are day that are hard. Hard on both of us. Days that i am not the mother i want to be. Days that i lose patience. Days that i phone it in, and let him spend most of the day on the couch curled up with me, watching his favorite movies, because we are both too tired, and too frustrated to do anything else. But then there are days that take my breath away. Watching him play on a playground for the first time, seeing him experience rain, watching as he figure out a new toy, a new trick, a new skill.. Watching this incredible little person, that i helped create grow, flourish, and thrive, and become a clever, sweet, funny, little boy. It's hard. But my gosh, is it worth it. I may not get paid, but i have something so much better. I have the adoration of a little boy that has spent every day and nearly every hour of his life with me to this point. I have the appreciation of a husband who works very hard to give me the right to be a full time stay at home mom, because we both feel it is important for one of us to be with him. But i think it boils down to love. I have oceans, unfathomable depths of unbridled love seeping out of every wall in our home. It's in every hug, every kiss, every afternoon spent cuddling, or playing, reading, or napping. It's in the good days, and it is in the bad. It's in my son's eyes and my husband's arms. It's watching the two most important people in my world play and learn together. It's everywhere, and it's everything.

I am very, very, lucky.

Obligatory Inaugurals

So here i am blogiverse, my name is Ashley, i am pushing 24 years young, i am happily married to a man i am deeply, and perhaps, insanely in love with. We have the most amazing little boy who is about to celebrate 15 months on the planet Earth, and i am pretty darn fond of him too. We live in Texas where that handsome husband fellow i mentioned is stationed with the United States Army, and where we are aching to be free of. The Lone Star state can be lovely, Blue Bonnets are gorgeous to behold, the storms will take your breath away, and Austin.. Oh man, Austin.. Austin is FABULOUS. But no, if i am being honest, i am not a Southern girl at heart. I was born and raised in the Pacific Northwest, and got to spend one incredible year in Monterey California, and those areas are so much more my speed. So you could say i am counting days until hunky husband's contract is up, and we get to head back North and West of here and never look back.

So what might you see here? Well, i'm a mom, so you can rightly assume that you'll see me bragging about the world's most perfect boy with a steady regularity, and i am an "Army Wife" so you'll probably hear bits and pieces about that too. But, i am also an artist, a writer, a singer, a bookworm, a fangirl, a gamer, a tattoo enthusiast, a history nerd, and a photographer. I love comics, cosplay, renaissance faires, fantasy, musicals, Egyptology, and cultural anthropology. I am writing a book series as we speak, and have another outlined, and if i am very, very lucky, someone other than my family may someday read them. So really, what you'll see here is life. Beautiful, exciting, terrifying, and tragic, i have come too far, and gone through too much, to start holding back now. It's boring, and it's not my style.

So, welcome! We're going on an adventure.