To Be, or Not to Be.

So here is the thing about being a parent. I know every article and book out there tells us that we need to fight to maintain who WE are, and what WE love, and we have to keep working on OUR goals after the little one is born. But that is a lot easier said than done. See, when Thoren was born, my priorities shifted, and for the last 15 months he has been the point from which my own personal universe orbits. He is the reason i wake up everyday (generally, literally), and what has kept me going through a very difficult year. Knowing that he needed this, or this needed to be done to ensure he was getting the proper nutrition, stimulation, or affection. That has kept me focused.

Now that he is getting a little more independent though, and might be spending more time in social situations without me -gulp- i have started thinking about school for myself again. About getting a degree before he starts grade school and start schooling him full time (we plan to send him to an educational preschool if we find one we like ages 3 and 4, then want to start homeschooling at 5 with kindergarten). I know what i want to study, and i know i "deserve" to pursue my interests. But i hate the idea of things that take time away from my family.

With Erich in the Army, we have spent a lot of time apart. He missed the last trimester of my high risk pregnancy, and the first month of our sons life, as i was recovering from an emergency C-Section. 4 months here, a couple weeks there, days, weekends, nights. It all adds up. To roughly a third of our marriage so far. Goodbyes suck, but waiting is the worst, and despite what they tell you, reunions aren't worth the waiting. So with that in mind, i think it is reasonable that i don't like the idea of willfully taking time away from them.. I like to think it won't scare me or bother me so much when he is out. I like to think that eventually the idea of doing something just for me won't make me feel guilty. But i really don't know anymore. The thing about being the "constant" is that responsibility becomes habit. You feel like it is your job to be the one at home, the one with the baby, the one who makes the house pretty, who makes it home. You get used to being the one that waits for him to come home, for your chance to relax, or your chance to follow your interests. You get comfortable with coming last for yourself.

This is NOT to say that this is how my husband sees it, he begs me to go do things for myself, and is more then willing to take the stay at home parent roll once he is out of the Army so that i can open the business i have been planning for years. He is so supportive, and i think would dance a jig if i signed up for classes. But there is something holding me back. Keeping me stagnant. I love our life together, i love my son, i LOVE being with him all the time, and i will never get enough time with Erich. So maybe it is comfort keeping me here. Maybe it's fear or guilt. I know eventually i need to take a leap, but i just can't tear myself away just yet.

Someday.