A year in retrospect.

So, it has been a year since my very first Mother's Day, where i was the one being celebrated, and here is what i have learned. Being Mom is hard. Terrifying even. The fate of a person's entire life rests on how well you accomplish this job. Who a person becomes, how they relate to people, that's on you (barring certain medical conditions of course). It is pressure, and it is ultimate responsibility, because if you fuck it up, this tiny person that you love from the very deepest pits of your soul, will be the one that suffers. This is the thing that consumes my mind most days. That i'm not doing it right.

I love my son in a way that leaves me speechless sometimes. The little boy in the next room, curled up, peacefully sleeping with his blanket, is, i firmly believe, what i was meant to do with my life. I am not a perfect Mother though. I lose my patience sometimes, i let him watch far too much TV, i can't drive, so we spend most of our time at home, unless Daddy is here. I love him, but i frequently feel like i fail him. Like our decision to have him when we did, did him a disservice because it robbed him of the social and emotional development that would have come with spending the first year and a half of his life surrounded by loving family, instead of just his Dad and I. It's just the three of us, and most of the time, it is really just the two of us, and the thing that keeps me up at night, is that i'm not sure it's enough.

I spend a lot of time scared now, scared for his future, for what may be.. So i guess what i have learned is that being Mom means no longer living for yourself. It means steeling yourself to the reality that what you are doing matters. Probably more than anything else. It matters because your actions aren't of localised consequence. If you're a terrible parent, you'll raise a broken person, and broken people tend to break others. So i have learned what kind of parent i plan to be. What i am willing to do, to give my son the life he deserves, and every advantage i can get him. I have learned that i willing to advocate, to stand my ground, and fight for him, more than i would ever fight for myself.
I have learned that to love a child is to put their needs so far above your own.

I have learned that there are things in this world that can truly, and in a way i never expected, break your heart into a million pieces, and because you're Mom, you paint on a smile, and you laugh, and play, and hug, and sing, through all of it, because that little boy needs his Mom to be there, to be strong, and resilient, so that he doesn't have to be. For him to thrive, he has to see me thrive, even if it is a partial facade.

I have learned what love is, what it means to me. What is worth dying for, and most importantly, what is worth living for.

My Favorite Crock Pot Recipes (Volume 1)

So every Sunday until the end of the summer, i will be sharing 2 awesome crock pot recipes. At the end of this post i will list a few possible recipes to share for the next week, and the two that get the most requests will be featured. Simple and sweet, and something fun to keep up with. We could live out of our crock pot, and it gets enough use that i even invest in those crock pot liners that sound like a joke, but i swear, make life SO much easier.

So for this week our recipes are baked pasta, and stuffed pork chops. Both are crazy yummy, and oh so easy.

Crock Pot Baked Pasta:
1 pound pasta
1 pound ground beef/turkey/kielbasa/Italian sausage/veggie option*
your favorite pasta sauce (about 32 ounces)
1 cup chopped bell pepper
1 cup sliced mushrooms
8 ounces ricotta
1.5 cups mozzarella
1 TBSP Italian seasoning
1 TBSP garlic

*This is awesome with zucchini, yellow squash, peppers,mushrooms etc, and i imagine eggplant.

First things first if you are making a homemade sauce start that first so that it has time to simmer together and develop a little flavor a half hour ahead of time should do since it will keep cooking in the crock pot. Then in a frying pan, cook your protein (skip this step if you are making this vegetarian), until cooked through and golden brown. Set aside. Chop your bell pepper, and mushroom, set aside. Next mix together the ricotta, 1 cup of the mozzarella, Italian seasoning, and garlic until combined and smooth, set aside. Now that you have all your elements, layer it up. Sauce on the bottom, then pasta, then half of the meat and veggies, then sauce, then pasta, then cheese mixture, then sauce, then pasta, then the rest of the meat, then sauce, then pasta, top with the remaining sauce covering well. You want all the layers to be very saucy because this is what is going to cook the pasta, so i know it will seem like too much at first, but that pasta will drink it all up, i promise. Set your crock pot to lo for about 5 hours, or high for 4. When it is done, cover with remaining mozzarella, turn off the crock pot, and let sit for about 10 minutes with the lid off while the cheese melts down. Serve and enjoy!


As for the stuffed pork chops

You'll need:
2 pork chops, butterflied and pounded
1 apple
1/2 onion
1 stalk celery
1.5 cups chicken broth
1/2 cup ricotta
1 cup bread crumbs (italian or corn bread)
salt, pepper, garlic, and paprika to taste
1 cup Mushrooms
3 TBSPs Butter
1 TBSP flour
.5 cup cream

Dice the apple, onion, and celery into small pieces and saute in a frying pan until tender, add ricotta and blend well, then add half of a cup of chicken broth, seasonings, and the bread crumbs, stirring well, cook on low until the crumbs have absorbed the broth and started to darken. Let cool for ten minutes or so. Pound out your butterflied chops until there are about half an in inch in thickness, season well. With some olive oil grease the bottom of your crock pot. On half the the pork chop load stuffing, you will probably be left with a little in the end, i usually refrigerate it and use it the next day in something. Fold there rest of the chop over the filling, so you have it folded in half around your stuffed. They will be thick, and a bit messy, but oh so worth it. Put in your crock pot, set it to low, and cook 6 to 8 hours.) When you are a half hour out, slice your mushrooms, and saute with one TBSP butter. Remove and set aside when browned. In that same pan, put in the other 2 TBSPs of butter, and sprinkle in 1 TBSP flour, whisking constantly for 2 minutes. Slowly add in the rest of the chicken broth, simmer for 5 minutes or until the consistency you want it, add cream, continue to simmer another 2 minutes, add seasoning, then add the mushrooms back in. Serve over your pork chops. Goes well with mashed potatoes, mashed cauliflower, whipped sweet potatoes, and green bean, corn, or broccoli casserole.

So this is it for this week. Up next week i can do, Crock Pot Chili, Crock Pot Lo Mein, Crock Pot Whole Citrus Chicken, or Crock Pot Breakfast Casserole. Vote for the two you want to see in the comments, and i'll be here same time next week. Happy cooking!

Momma's got a meal plan.

So, i don't know about you, but i like to know what is in store for me in the days to come, and if i don't plan out meals ahead of time, i tend toward falling victim to the take out monster because it's easy, and effortless. But it is also expensive as hell, and crappy for your body, even if you try get healthier options, the food you get out is almost always swimming in sodium, sugar, and fat. So with that in mind, i am recommitting to meal planning. This is a bit of a trick here in Texas, where the heat can be best described as "just this side of the Gate to Hell), so my oven is off limits until either october, or until we move, whichever comes sooner. So i get TONS of use out of my crock pot. Below is my meal plan for this pay period:

5/1 - Shopping and take out
5/2 - Crock pot Moroccan lamb stew over couscous (freeze leftovers)
5/3 - Crock pot baked pasta w/ kielbasa and veggies (leftovers for lunch the next day)
5/4 - Crock pot beef stew (freeze leftovers)
5/5 - Crock pot stuffed pork chops w/ mashed potatoes (no leftovers)
5/6 - Crock pot spanish chicken and rice (freeze leftovers)
5/7 - Crock pot meatloaf w/ mashed potatoes (leftovers for sandwiches)
5/8 - Homemade pizza 
5/9 - Crock pot citrus chicken w/ rice and veggies (no leftovers)
5/10 - Crock pot baked pasta w/ kielbasa and veggies (leftovers for lunch the next day)
5/11 - Reheat beef stew
5/12 - Crock pot chicken chili (freeze leftovers)
5/13 - Reheat lamb
5/14 - Take out

I already have most of what i need for all of this, our grocery bill which includes $40 for Thoren's pediasure should come out to just about $115 for the next two weeks, bearing in mind that 7 of these meals will stretch for 2 days. Pretty awesome huh? I buy our staples in bulk every couple months (pasta, rice, quinoa, chicken etc), and then really only have to get some produce, milk, eggs, and bread along the way. It's a system that i like, that works, and that i am actually pretty proud of when i stick to it.

For any of these recipes, leave a comment! I am thinking about doing a "Favorite Crock Pot Recipes" feature once a week, so let me know what you want to see. 

And the verdict is...

We still aren't sure, but two doctors have finally agreed on what they think it is. Seizures brought on by migraines. So next week i get an EEG which looks like this, and i get to wear that bad boy for 3, freaking, days. With any luck, that will tell the tale. If i am having seizures, this machine, will ideally catch an actual episode, but if it doesn't it should catch the waves responsible for them while i'm sleeping, so keep your fingers crossed, because i am so ready to have some answers once and for all. Short wiring brain, or not.

I also get to go see a Neural-Opthamologist next week, and get set up with a fancy pair of glasses that will regulate the light i am seeing because my light sensitivity is seriously impacting my life at this point.

I was given a new medication to try, but we are holding off until after the EEG, because it's a combination migraine, seizure medication, and we don't want it to interfere with the tests. So hopefully once i get to start taking that, the migraines will calm down unlike the last medication i was given that made them worse. Fun fact, we found out today that the medication i was given by my last neurologist is not indicated for migraines, and in fact, can increase headache severity, worsen depression, and mess with blood pressure. Fun huh?? This gives you an idea of the totally top notch medical care i've received. I guess i should just be glad he didn't prescribe something that could kill me. Nope, that was just the Cardiologist. But i digress.

No luck getting in with a Psychiatrist because as you would imagine near a military post, demand is high, and everyone is backed up at least six months. I can't start new antidepressants until i'm seen by one, so i am working medication free for the first time in over a year, and am so far, not impressed. I know there is this huge stigma about mental illness, and medications for them in this country. But honestly, if you have a problem, and you need help, you owe it to yourself to get seen, and get treated.

Anyways, this is me today. Battling the stomach flu for the 4th straight day, hoping i am having seizures just so that i finally know what is wrong with me, and we can go home and get better. 

What Undiagnosed Illness Looks Like.

So i guess it's time to talk about something real. The reason i am actually here, doing this.

About 8 months ago, i got, what i thought was the flu. I got dizzy, nauseous, i would collapse, and lost my appetite. When, a week later it was getting no better, only worse, i went to the doctor and we ran blood tests. Everything was normal. But it didn't stop. My eyes started hurting. I was sent to get my eyes check, got glasses, no improvement. I was sent to a neurologist who thought my headaches were from pain meds and started me on medication. No change. I started seeing black spots on my vision. Back to neurology, taken off those meds, tested for MS. Negative. My body stopped fighting the spread of an dental infection, and the infection stopped responding to antibiotics. The theory then became that my rampant infection was causing what is called referred pain and symptoms. I consented to having 21 of them removed, and accepted that at 23 i will have dentures for the rest of my life. No change. I saw a cardiologist, was sent home with a 24 hour heart monitor for 2 weeks, and had a Echocardiogram done. Detected nothing. So 8 months later, here i am, off all of my meds because me and my doctors agree that taking dangerous medication that isn't helping is worthless. Still no improvement. We have a new theory, and it is basically all that's left. Atypical Migraine Syndrome. Basically, imagine a migraine that has taken steroids and has a bad attitude. For some people the pressure and pain can paralyse muscles, or present like a stroke, for others it causes such severe pain that they can't function at all. It's a little different for everyone. What we think it is doing to me, is causing small, fast, and minor seizures. Basically, my brain can't accommodate the severe and constant pain, and in a defense mechanism, shuts my body down for a few seconds. Hence the collapsing, and loss of consciousness. It would explain the destroyer of world headaches, the nausea, the light sensitivity that makes a care ride unbearable, the dizziness, and weakness. It would explain everything. Now we just have to prove it.

In 8 months i have seen 2 doctors, 2 neurologists, a cardiologist, and countless ER doctors. We have tried 6 different medications. I have had 3 CT scans, an MRI, x-rays, and more blood tests than i can count. I have gained 40 pounds thanks to those medications, i've lost about half of my hair, most of my teeth, and my hands almost always shake now. I am 23. I am a mother, and a wife.

I am exhausted.

I am angry.

I see my neurologist again on Monday, where we will, i hope, find out that this horrible neurological condition is what is wrong with me, because i just want this to be over. I want to be treated. I want to be able to play with my son without worrying about falling. The last time i collapsed, i almost broke my wrist. Thank goodness Erich was here, because had it just been me and Thoren..

So i guess i am here because if i didn't unload somewhere, i would lose it at this point, and since there is a 6 month to a year wait for psychiatrists here, i am SOL on that front. But really, i am here, in the hopes that someday, someone who is sick but doesn't know why, will see this. That they will read these words, and know they aren't alone. That they matter. That their symptoms aren't in their head. That they aren't crazy. Undiagnosed illness is a thing, and it is terrifying. Even more so when everyone around you keeps telling you there is nothing there. You are not alone, and DO NOT let them ignore you. Trust your gut, because you are the only person who truly knows what is normal for you.

You are NOT alone. You have options. You have a right, and responsibility to fight for yourself. It is okay to be scared, it is normal to feel overwhelmed. But don't give up looking. Never give up searching for an answer, and a treatment. You are worth it.

You are not alone.

To Be, or Not to Be.

So here is the thing about being a parent. I know every article and book out there tells us that we need to fight to maintain who WE are, and what WE love, and we have to keep working on OUR goals after the little one is born. But that is a lot easier said than done. See, when Thoren was born, my priorities shifted, and for the last 15 months he has been the point from which my own personal universe orbits. He is the reason i wake up everyday (generally, literally), and what has kept me going through a very difficult year. Knowing that he needed this, or this needed to be done to ensure he was getting the proper nutrition, stimulation, or affection. That has kept me focused.

Now that he is getting a little more independent though, and might be spending more time in social situations without me -gulp- i have started thinking about school for myself again. About getting a degree before he starts grade school and start schooling him full time (we plan to send him to an educational preschool if we find one we like ages 3 and 4, then want to start homeschooling at 5 with kindergarten). I know what i want to study, and i know i "deserve" to pursue my interests. But i hate the idea of things that take time away from my family.

With Erich in the Army, we have spent a lot of time apart. He missed the last trimester of my high risk pregnancy, and the first month of our sons life, as i was recovering from an emergency C-Section. 4 months here, a couple weeks there, days, weekends, nights. It all adds up. To roughly a third of our marriage so far. Goodbyes suck, but waiting is the worst, and despite what they tell you, reunions aren't worth the waiting. So with that in mind, i think it is reasonable that i don't like the idea of willfully taking time away from them.. I like to think it won't scare me or bother me so much when he is out. I like to think that eventually the idea of doing something just for me won't make me feel guilty. But i really don't know anymore. The thing about being the "constant" is that responsibility becomes habit. You feel like it is your job to be the one at home, the one with the baby, the one who makes the house pretty, who makes it home. You get used to being the one that waits for him to come home, for your chance to relax, or your chance to follow your interests. You get comfortable with coming last for yourself.

This is NOT to say that this is how my husband sees it, he begs me to go do things for myself, and is more then willing to take the stay at home parent roll once he is out of the Army so that i can open the business i have been planning for years. He is so supportive, and i think would dance a jig if i signed up for classes. But there is something holding me back. Keeping me stagnant. I love our life together, i love my son, i LOVE being with him all the time, and i will never get enough time with Erich. So maybe it is comfort keeping me here. Maybe it's fear or guilt. I know eventually i need to take a leap, but i just can't tear myself away just yet.

Someday.

A little crunch.

In the 60's and 70's they were hippies, the 80's and 90's saw a bohemian revival, and here and now, the earth conscious are called "crunchy". I guess you could say i fit into that category. I don't use harsh chemicals, i used plant based cleaners, detergents, body products, hair products, and make up. I use essential oils to help me sleep, to tackle colds, and to ward off enemies of the insect variety. I even cloth diaper my little one (who doesn't love a truly fluffy butt?!!). I never really thought of myself in those terms though, i just always saw it as responsible. Plus, my skin is CRAZY sensitive, so yeah, girl's gotta be careful about what she touches, so NO chemicals for us.

But as time goes on, and i grow up, the better i feel about these choices, the happier they make me. They are simple little life changes, that add up. Like the whole "using essential oils to keep bugs away" thing for instance. Do you know what goes into mainstream pesticides? Nothing good. Instead, a little bit of peppermint and cinnamon oil spritzed around the windows and doors, and you accomplish the same thing, protect your family from harsh fumes, and keep that crap out of the air and atmosphere. For some awesome essential oils i use, and recommend Spark Naturals, they are high quality, fairly priced and get the job done. I use their dream blend religiously, and their respire blend saved me when i had the flu.

Cloth diapers.. I could (and probably will) write entire posts about how much cloth rocks the ever loving socks off of disposables. For one thing, name brand disposables take take forever and a day to biodegrade. They are made with harsh chemicals and treated with bleach of all things, dyes, and perfumes. They are awful for tender tooshies, and they pile up fast. The average infant goes through roughly 2,920 diapers in one years. My diaper stash is about 20 strong, enough for about 2 and a half days with normal consumption, i wash every day. My stash cost us $600. Want to know what a years worth of disposables will run you? On average in America, that number is $2,533.44. For one year. My 20 diapers will last until he potty trains. So aside from the occasional adorable print that i can't pass up, my diaper investment is done. AND? I will be able to use them for the next child. For those at home who don't want to do math. The typical age for kids to be potty trained is about 3 give or take depending on the kid, the average family has 2 kids. That is 6 years of diapering, add in lets say another $300 dollars in cloth costs for when they wear out, and i will have saved, wait for it, wait for it... Just around $14,300. I'll wait while you get your heart rate back under control..

....

You okay? Okay. This is not the cloth of our parents, and grandparents generation. We aren't talking safety pins, and complicated folding, though if that is what you prefer you can totally still do that. For more information on what modern cloth diapering looks like, i highly recommend checking out Kelly's Closet Cloth Diapering 101. It is very informative, and lays it all out in easy to understand language that makes cloth accessible to everyone. However if you are attached to disposable, or can't do cloth for allergy or logistic reasons Honest.com  has a line of diapers that biodegrades within a year, and is chemical free, and their prints are adorable. 7th Generation also has a good product that crunchy mamas swear by.

As for cleaning products, you really can't beat Honest.com. I use their bathroom cleaner, multi-surface cleaner, glass cleaner, hand soap, dish soap, and dishwasher detergent. Everything is plant based, smells divine, and is safe for a house crawling with kids or critters. I also use many of their body products, like their body wash, lotion, healing balm, lip balm, and body oil. Again, plant based, and they leave you feeling soft, not oily, and the smell.. My goodness, the smell. Mmmm..

So this is my crunchy, hippy, dippy, life. Doesn't seem so weird huh?