Spark Naturals and why I am SO Excited to be an Affiliate.

So if you read me regularly you know that i live on the crunchier end of the spectrum. I make my own skin products, my own household cleaners, and i turn to essential oils for most of my day to day needs. You may also know that i am a diagnosed sufferer of chronic depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. I have tried several medications to alleviate the symptoms that come with them, with mixed results, and have always felt that while they helped moderately, it wasn't the change i was hoping for. So about 6 months ago, i went searching for something to boost what i was already doing, and through the help of a friend, i found my way to essential oils, and Spark Naturals. I use their Zen, Bliss, and Dream blends on a daily basis and the change has been drastic. I am handling stress better, no longer dissolving into tears at the drop of a hat, and i am sleeping so much better than i can ever remember sleeping before in my life. I also use a blend of my own devising in the morning for a nice, natural pick me up so that i am not so reliant on caffeine as soon as i wake up; 3 drops of tangerine, 2 of lemon, and 2 of peppermint in the diffuser goes a long way toward starting the day off right.

I am a firm believer in sharing the things that make your life better. I love to learn, and i love to pass on the knowledge that i gain, so the decision to apply to be an affiliate for spark was a natural and exciting one for me. Even it helps just one person in my life, then it will have been a venture well made. Every week i will be making at least one post about what we are doing with essential oils, and our spark products around the house, as well as natural skin care recipes, and i hope that something jumps out at you and makes your daily life a little happier, and a little healthier. If you have any questions about Spark Naturals, their products, or essential oils, sound off in the comments, and as always, if you feel inclined to make a purchase, using the code "ashleydehaven" at checkout will save you 10% off of your entire order!

Who I Am: IN SONG!!

Everyone, i think, has that one thing that makes them feel alive, and sets their soul on fire. That one little thing that speaks directly to their soul in a way that no one, or nothing else ever could. For some people maybe it's running, or martial arts, for some it's religion. For me, it is, and always has been music. I don't remember learning to talk (though i am told i did that very early), but i remember with crystal clarity learning to love singing. For as long as i can remember, when the world was beating away at my resolve, i turned to my CD player, then later my iPod, to take me away from the world and remind me of who i am. Music, to me is the single most significant component of mankind. Every civilization, every race, and creed, every religion, and every era of human history has turned to music to express themselves. It's a single unifying truth of our species. It's what sets us apart, and what binds us together. It is the heartbeat of existence and the life force in our collective experience as a species. Every single person since the dawn of time, every single one, has turned to music. For entertainment, for catharsis, for prayer, for motivation. On the stages of ancient Greece, in the throne halls of ancient Egypt, on the fields of battle, men, women, and children have turned to song.

So here is who i am. The songs that move me. The songs that made me.

This is the very first song i can remember, having memorized. My mom had this Greatest Hits tape of Billy Joel songs, that we listened pretty much on loop for years in her old Daytona. That tape, i hold personally responsible for a lifelong obsession with music. While on the topic of Billy Joel..

I can't hear this song and not immediately start bursting with excitement. It's darn near impossible for me to burst into song when it comes on, even to this day. Same goes for:

I think a person's taste in music really ends up shaping who they become as a person, so i think it's reasonable to say that this tape being the first music i can really remember being exposed to went a long way toward assembling the person in front of you right now. A little attitude, a lot of passion, and whole lotta love.

But for now we'll take a break from Billy, and move onto *drum roll*

Oh yes, cheesey and fantastic, i don't think there was a single Halloween party at my Aunt's that didn't include this song, and some questionable dance prowess.

Yet another Halloween party staple. As you can see, my family is a special breed of awesome.

We are also a Nautical breed. See, my grandparents were crabbers, they were fisherman, on both coasts the worked the seas for a living. Then later my uncle (and every October my dad joins him for the crab open), and my aunt, and now my gorgeous cousin. All making a living on the ocean. I got to spend a lot of my childhood on and in, and constantly near the water. This is probably why living inland away from any coast, has me ripping my hair out. But i digress, moving on..

So this is where we delve into my preteen obsessions, and while most people mock these prepubescent infatuations, i celebrate them. Are these achievements of song? No. But, for a period of my life, they WERE my life. I still remember holding "concerts" in front of our family, with 3 of my cousins, pretending we were the Spice Girls (I was Ginger Spice, thank you very much).

Even as a tweener (especially as a tweener) i was a total cheese ball, completely obsessed with the idea of love, convinced that it was the solution to all of life's misery. Turns out, idealistic as it sounds, it has proved to ring truer than any other idea i have ever had about the world. Love is everything to me. Love for my husband, my son, my family. It's this deep, unshakable love that keeps me going.

So. Much. Cheese. Isn't it fantastic? This is still one of my favorite songs.

Full disclosure: I had NO CLUE what this song meant when it first came out, but i was obsessed with it nonetheless. Admittedly, i still can't help but sing-a-long if it comes on in the car. Though i don't condone the message haha. 

Ah yes, to the teen years, and my brief hip hop obsession. Whatever happened to Ashanti anyways? I know she did a stint on Army Wives, but i mean, music wise? Girl has a voice.

There was pretty much no way Eminem wasn't making this list. I may not look the "type" what with my mom clothes, and slightly Rock-ish look i often entertain. But Eminem has been a long term love of mine. So no worries Mr. Mather's we'll see you on this list again.

Alright, at this point in the musical timeline, i am about 13, and i think this was around the time depression started to take root. I wouldn't be diagnosed for another decade, but thinking back on everything i think this is around where it started. I cut my hair off, i dyed it black, and i alienated myself from friends and family. As with everything else in my life my musical tastes went with it. Now, full disclosure here, i still dye my hair (as often as possible) and i still enjoy this style of music, and dress. But i am healthier now, and don't listen these songs like they are anthems of my existence anymore.

Kind of your typical angsty teenager, with a side of goth, and a whole heaping plateful of make up expertise.

But there was hope too. See, the year this song came out, was also the year i had ever known someone who had tried to kill themselves. She was my best friend at the time, and all of a sudden life and it's meaning took on this whole new picture in my mind. I watched as her mother fell apart, not knowing how to cope with the reality of her daughters issues, and i watched her sister pull away from them both after she was the one that had found her. All of the times i had sat there thinking life wasn't worth living snapped into crystal clear focus and it dawned on me why every person owes it to themselves, and each other to keep pushing forward. To get help, and to never give up. If you are in crisis, and contemplating taking your life, i implore you, i am begging you, please talk to someone.If there is no one in your life you feel you can trust, then call 1-800-273-8255, this is the national suicide prevention hotline, and on the other end are caring wonderful people who are just there to talk to you. Please always know that it does get better. There is more to life than the pain you are in right now, and there are people in the world, myself included that are pulling for you. We're in your corner, and we want things to get better for you.

We are going to gloss over the rest of high school mostly because this has already far exceeded the length of what is appropriate for a single blog post, but also because, high school was a terrible time for me. But right about the end of my time there, my music obsession found a new home in musicals. RENT, Phantom of the Opera, Chicago, Hairspray.. These are movies i could watch over an over again, and in their own ways they are each a little bit responsible for who i am.

Time is finite for us. No one will live forever. Therefore every moment we are alive is important. The way we live, the lives we touch, and the way we are remembered are all parts of our legacy. That little piece of ourselves that we get to leave behind, that tells the world "I was here, and i was fantastic".



Be. Confident..

Sort of a yin yang message here, in everything beautiful there is darkness, and in all darkness can be found beauty. Never judge on appearances alone.

Alright this one is a couple years out of order chronologically BUT the musical is much older than the musical, and the stage musical was my first experience with this song, so there ya go. It was so well executed in this scene that i (at 8 months pregnant) burst into tears in the theater. This song is so powerful and so pervasive as time marches on, it's message doesn't wane. The power of the people to decide their own fate, is and always has been the single greatest power of mankind. When we work together we can move mountains.

I have struggled with weight my entire life. Genetically i sort of got the chubby end of the stick ya know? Well the older i got, the worse it got. Despite my best efforts i am overweight, and am now in the pre-op stage for bariatric surgery at 24 years of age. I have spent a lot of my life ashamed of how i look. So when Hairspray came out, and the star was someone who looked like me.. And she was gorgeous, and the movie wasn't about some big makeover to make her skinny and pretty, but was about how incredible and talented she was, it struck a major chord with me. Everyone, EVERYONE has something to bring to the table if they embrace their own beauty and potential. So, again, BE CONFIDENT. You're beautiful. 

Gah.. Every time. This gets me EVERY TIME.

As i am sure you can extrapolate from the knowledge you have gained today, i am a major music nerd. As such? Glee is pretty much my weekly religious experience. Lea Michelle is my homegirl is what i'm saying here haha.

Did i mention i was a choir kid myself? I wish i could post links to some of the songs we recorded during my last year in school. The 06'-07' Squalicum High School Choraliers were pretty freaking amazing, if i do say so myself. It wasn't the only choir i was ever in, but it was the best, and it was my favorite. We had an incredible instructor, who to this day, i consider one of the best teachers i have ever known.

  

My family can confirm, that i must have listened to this approximately 10,000 times in the weeks leading up to our wedding. When we have our vow renewal, i would pretty much worship the ground my friends walked on if i could convince them to do a bridal party entrance like this. *hint hint*

When Thoren was born, his daddy only got to be with us for about a day. When he was just over 24 hours old, Erich went back to where he was training, and there i was, with this little boy in my arms, and a month left until we would be with his dad again. I fed him, and as we cuddled in bed, i sang this song to him. This was the first moment we were alone, and the first real memory we shared. He fell asleep on my chest, and in that moment i knew that my life was never going to be the same, and i didn't want it to be.

This is my son's FAVORITE song. I sing it, roughly, 50 times a day.

This is his favorite song for Daddy to sing. My heart melts every time i watch these two cuddling, as Erich sings this to him. That is my bliss. My guys, peace, and beautiful music.

Okay, so i could really, really go on forever with this list. I haven't even touched on Disney songs yet, which will probably be it's own post. But here i am, in the basic, most "me" sense. This is what makes me tick.

Things That Keep Me Glued..

This month has been without a doubt, or any exaggeration, complete and total horse crap. (I know, "How lady like", well listen pal, if you want a delicate, soft, flower, go pick one. You're not gonna find that here.).

So what is a girl to do? The sky is falling, and it feels like the world is caving in around me. So what do i do?

Well first i look at this little ball of adorable and sweetness, and remind myself that i made that. He is mine and i am his, and no matter what i will get through this, for him.

 

Photo by Jess Gougeon Photography

Then i put this song on, and i BELT it out until i feel human again: (if you're good, maybe i'll post a video next week? We'll see if my ego can take it haha).

Then i add the Zen and Bliss blends to my Zaq Dew Diffuser, and let the smells of home take me away from a while, and calm me down. This combination has helped my anxiety problems better than any medication i have ever been prescribed. Not that i don't still need my meds in emergencies, i do, but this has helped me SO much, and since i started using them daily the frequency of needing those meds has reduced A LOT.

Then i remind myself that no matter what, i have an amazing partner in life, and that no matter what happens, he and i have conquered so much together already. We can take the world if we need to. If i have faith in nothing else, it's this, that with this man next to me, there is nothing i can't accomplish.

Photo by Jess Gougeon Photography

A Little of This, a Little of That.

You know those Pinterest mom's everyone loves to hate? The ones that make soap, and design killer parties, and somehow have it all together, all the time? I'm not that mom. I'm so NOT that person. What i am though, i guess i would call is multifaceted. I have a certain natural knack for most things creative. I know, i know, SO modest right? But hear me out.

This is an abstract of the "Heart" nebula seen here. This was accomplished during naptime

I have been singing, approximately, since i could speak. I draw, i paint, i sculpt, i knit, i write, and i am an award winning photographer, and that's in my spare time. I also make skin care products, am a bitchin cook (who plans on opening a restaurant before she's 35), and in general if you give me a few hours, some alone time, and House (or Say Yes to the Dress) in the background, you're going to come back to something colorful and vibrant, and the house is probably going to smell great.

This photo was the first that ever won me an award. I was 19, and since then several hundred copies have been sold. Copyright protected. 

 This isn't to say i'm Susie Homemaker. My house is a mess for starters. But really, here is the problem. When you are at least moderately skilled in everything you're interested in, it is hard to stay interested for very long. 

Today's naptime project.

Of course i am always practicing, learning, getting better, but when there's no challenge? When a concept isn't mysterious or difficult anymore, i really just lose interest. So i cycle through hobbies, at the rate that most people cycle through shows to binge watch on Netfllix. Every couple weeks i have gotten bored again with whatever was keeping me focused and i switch interests again. This week, i am painting, and knitting, i guess in an effort to draw out the period before change happens again. In two days i have finished two paintings, and am half way done with making my son a knit Mjolnir toy, complete with his name in runes sewn into the side of the head of the hammer.

I do this all in my spare time. The time between raising my son, moving, dealing with the house, and the Army, and making sure my husband and son eat something resembling food at least 3 times daily. 

Yesterday's naptime project.

In short it's exhausting, but if i'm not busy, i am going stir crazy and this is sort of my own personal form of therapy. If i am busy, doing something creative, i can only devote, say, a quarter of my brain power to stressing about moving, finances, medical concerns, and Thoren's therapy, as opposed to the 100% of it, it can occupy when i have nothing else to zone in on and keep my busy. So our house is full of paintings that i have no where to put, dozens of knitted scarves, blankets, and wrist warmers. I have a shelf full of skin balms, and a box somewhere full of celtic knotted leather jewelry. Eventually i'll need a storage unit to deal with it all, but the alternative is total exasperation. So here we are. On the upside, we will never lack for things to put on our walls

Carry On

So today i have FUN's song Carry On stuck in my head, and it just feels so appropriate. The perfect anthem to a new chapter in our lives, and an exciting, albeit terrifying new journey for us. As you all know, i have been sick for quite a while, and now that we know why, it has become abundantly clear to all concerned parties, that our family needs more support and resources than we have available to us in our current situation. So after almost a year of doctors appointments, struggles, stress, and heart ache, the fight is over. My husband is being honorably discharged from the Army, due to our personal circumstances, and we are relocating to Idaho to be with family.

It's the odd combination of feelings.

Relief that we don't have to fight anymore, that my family and i will be somewhere close to an abundance of family. Fear of the unknown, and of leaving relative financial security (the pay isn't great, but it's reliable and we have always made it work). Uncertainty of this new area we are going to, that none of us have ever lived, but excitement for the same reason.

It's confusing.

At the end of the day we are happy, we are anxious to load a truck up and leave, and never set foot in Killeen, or Fort Hood Texas ever again. I am overjoyed to be getting away from the Texas healthcare system, and the bureaucracy that makes it function in such a way that it serves everyone BUT the patient first. I am excited to be able to work on scheduling my surgeries and starting a brand new journey toward health and happiness. To get established with a doctor, neurologist, cardiologist, psychiatrist and surgeons that i trust, and can actually rely on as valuable resources.

I am happy, and i am terrified, but i am ready. We are ready. I know we need this, and so, i know we will make it work. It's time.

I will always be grateful for the experiences the Army has provided us, the impeccable training my husband was fortunate enough to receive, the many places we got to visit, and the absolutely incredible people we have met along the way that i truly feel will be a part of us for the rest of our lives. It's been stressful, taxing, at times heart breaking, and completely amazing, and it will affect us forever. I am so proud of my husband, not just for the commitment he made to this country, but also the commitment he made to his family. In the end it was our commitment to the 3 of us that made this decision clear, and we are fortunate enough that caring NCOs helped us get to the place we are now, heading toward a significantly safer situation.

So really, today i am grateful.

And now i need to go pack. Have a great day guys. XOXO

Momma's got a business?!!

That's right folks! While i have yet to set a name to this awesome new venture of mine, i am VERY excited about it. I have recently started making and selling homemade lotions, lip balms, and salves with completely natural organic, and pure unrefined ingredients. Things like virgin coconut oil, pure organic shea butter, beeswax, olive oil, and essential oils. They are so skin happy, and i am just in love with doing this. I have a few products for sale right now, and the breakdown goes like this:

Pure body butter (not containing essential oils) - 4oz for $8, 8oz for $14
Lavender body butter (w/ lavender essential oil) - 4oz for $10, 8oz for $19
Peppermint lip balm (w/ peppermint essential oil) - 2oz for $5, 4pz for $8
Congestion relief cream (w/peppermint, eucalyptus, and lavender essential oils) - 4oz for $12, 8oz for $22
Muscle pain relief cream (w/ peppermint, clove, and lavender essential oils) - 4oz for $12, 8oz for $22

All prices not including shipping, deals made for multiple orders. The body butters, both, but especially the lavender make great diaper rash creams, or all over healing creams for mild to moderate skin irritations. If you are interested in buying, please email me at ashleydehaven@live.com with what you want, your shipping address if you're not local and your paypal information so that i can send you an invoice. Only accepting paypal at this time, unless you live locally.

I am so excited about this guys, like.. Obnoxiously excited. It is so nice to be contributing to our income in a meaningful way again. I hope you are all having a fabulous day, and i hope to hear from some of you :)

A year in retrospect.

So, it has been a year since my very first Mother's Day, where i was the one being celebrated, and here is what i have learned. Being Mom is hard. Terrifying even. The fate of a person's entire life rests on how well you accomplish this job. Who a person becomes, how they relate to people, that's on you (barring certain medical conditions of course). It is pressure, and it is ultimate responsibility, because if you fuck it up, this tiny person that you love from the very deepest pits of your soul, will be the one that suffers. This is the thing that consumes my mind most days. That i'm not doing it right.

I love my son in a way that leaves me speechless sometimes. The little boy in the next room, curled up, peacefully sleeping with his blanket, is, i firmly believe, what i was meant to do with my life. I am not a perfect Mother though. I lose my patience sometimes, i let him watch far too much TV, i can't drive, so we spend most of our time at home, unless Daddy is here. I love him, but i frequently feel like i fail him. Like our decision to have him when we did, did him a disservice because it robbed him of the social and emotional development that would have come with spending the first year and a half of his life surrounded by loving family, instead of just his Dad and I. It's just the three of us, and most of the time, it is really just the two of us, and the thing that keeps me up at night, is that i'm not sure it's enough.

I spend a lot of time scared now, scared for his future, for what may be.. So i guess what i have learned is that being Mom means no longer living for yourself. It means steeling yourself to the reality that what you are doing matters. Probably more than anything else. It matters because your actions aren't of localised consequence. If you're a terrible parent, you'll raise a broken person, and broken people tend to break others. So i have learned what kind of parent i plan to be. What i am willing to do, to give my son the life he deserves, and every advantage i can get him. I have learned that i willing to advocate, to stand my ground, and fight for him, more than i would ever fight for myself.
I have learned that to love a child is to put their needs so far above your own.

I have learned that there are things in this world that can truly, and in a way i never expected, break your heart into a million pieces, and because you're Mom, you paint on a smile, and you laugh, and play, and hug, and sing, through all of it, because that little boy needs his Mom to be there, to be strong, and resilient, so that he doesn't have to be. For him to thrive, he has to see me thrive, even if it is a partial facade.

I have learned what love is, what it means to me. What is worth dying for, and most importantly, what is worth living for.